Hopeless Romantic in Disguise

I am calloused and have been broken. I let a fucked up kind of love freeze over what used to be a heart capable of loving someone deeper than they could imagine- or ever deserve. Was it even love for him? At this point, I don’t know what was real in that relationship. Walls have been built up around my heart that Trump wishes he could have on the America-Mexico border.

broken heart love sad
Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

I have been through a lot in the relationship department and found mostly relationSHITS. All jokes aside, don’t let me fool you, I love LOVE and crave it in my life every day. I wish it was for me, I wish that someone that would be defined as prince charming would appear in my life and Disney Princess me up. I mean, that is the definition of love and life that was engraved in most 90’s girls’ minds. Now, the world has changed. People don’t get married and don’t need to have kids, and some just don’t want to. I find myself feeling this way, but maybe it is a way of giving up on what seems like hopeless love potential in the reality we currently are experiencing.

Which is why I am in this headspace of “I can do life all by myself.” How can you truly ever know someone? How can you truly trust someone (after what I have been through)? I understand there are bad people in this world, but how could I be so wrong about someone I loved, trusted and believed in? I want to be able to be 100% great with me living and loving life all on my own.

I feel like I live in a world where dating is not fun and I know I am not alone with that feeling. People aren’t looking for their best friend to do life with, they are looking for a quick fix, a hookup, a brief and indecent encounter. This makes the single life fun, exciting and very exhausting. By the time you know someone and potentially like anyone, they are most likely on to the next person/hookup.

About three years ago, I went through the hardest breakup I hope to ever have to go through. I actually think I was at risk of dying, there were some major low points. Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Separation Anxiety. All this was just some of the baggage I was left to deal with because of whom I chose to trust my feelings with. Unfortunately, even today I still have to manage them, they never really dissolve and go away. I am lucky to be so resilient, to have a love for self-development, otherwise, I may not have ended up so lucky.

I used to run through life fearlessly, loving everyone and everything. My passion and love for life could be felt from across the room by anyone around me- as I was told. Where did I go wrong? After many moments of trying to analyze how I fell into such a dark place, I fell in love too fast with the absolute wrong human being. He was evil to his core, and I chose to believe the charismatic lie he projected. That was my fatal flaw. I saw him for who he could be instead of who he was showing me he was choosing to be.

BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.

We were together for almost four years. The first year was the best, and every year after the abuse spiraled out of control. Financial, Emotional, Verbal, and Physical, this guy was a jack of all trades kind of abuser. I find myself asking, How did I let this happen to me? Embarrassment, guilt, and rage sometimes rush over me. I was before him, and am now, a strong independent woman. So, how did I find myself broken, unconfident and possessing no self-love?

It happened slowly. I let him chip away slowly at me. At first, you can’t even recognize it is actually happening. You are making excuses for him, you let things slide. You promise yourself that things WILL get better and you hold onto this delusion of a future you created in your mind. You don’t even realize you are making all of these mistakes because they are all logically justified in your now messed-up mind. Then, before you know it, you stop telling your friends and family things about your relationship. You alienate yourself only putting yourself in further danger and cut yourself off from your support system. WHY did I do this to myself?  I made every mistake in this relationship that only hurt me more. I wish I would have done anything differently. It could have been easier if I had loved myself more along the way.

-But the lesson has been learned. I have been single for the longest bout of time in my adult life and dedicated myself to ME. I never want to sell myself short and this is why Finding Neverland was so pivotal in my life. It was a catalyst for change that I so desperately needed for my survival.

I have forgiven myself because of what I have learned. 

i hate nothing about you with red heart light
Photo by Designecologist on Pexels.com

If asked what I regret in life,  not getting out sooner may be the one thing in life I could consider I regret, however, I still would say I don’t regret it as I have chosen to extract lots of life lessons out of this awful experience.

  1. Put yourself first, because who else is or will? At the end of the day, YOU are your only guarantee. Don’t let that sadden you or scare you, choose to let that EMPOWER you!
  2. Love yourself, truly, deeply, and madly. More often than not, people will treat you how you treat yourself. Besides, the rest of the world will do a great job bringing you down, so be your greatest cheerleader and supporter!
  3. Create a life you will never sacrifice for anyone else, that is the support system you should never cut loose!
  4. Be the best version of yourself so you may find that prince charming of a man. I am still a closet hopeless romantic here wanting to still hope for the romance 😉
  5. Trust who people show you who they are THE FIRST TIME, this may be the most important advice I give to you here.
  6. Live your best day, and if you do this every day, before you know it you have a solid week, month, year, life.

I used to DREAD the hard lessons life would dish out, it would make me anxious just waiting for the foot to drop. At this point in life, I know to see the value in the struggle. Adversity is what makes you stronger, it causes you to grow. Anytime I find myself in a hard moment that is anything less than ideal, I remember that positive and it has been enough light in a sea of darkness to keep me pushing through life’s hard moments. Choosing what to learn and take away from all things in life is what will add to who we become in the future.

CHECK OUT MY OTHER BLOG POSTS:

  1. Surfing The Highs and Lows in Life
  2. One. When Wendy Met Peter

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